3 Thursday - Inspiration on Life, Depression, and Inner Beauty

I always find myself scouring Pinterest at the darkest hours of the night. 
I've been having a rough week so I thought I would share a few my favorite quotes that have gotten me through some hard times. 

Image from https://www.flickr.com/photos/kohanart/4916218209/

In all honesty this is something I have learned the hard way. 

When I was younger I took everything for granted. I took life for granted. I didn't live each day like it mattered, I breezed by waiting for the day to end. 

When my grandpa died was when it really HIT me. The littlest things matter the most. It's not about living it's about LIVING. Truly and fully. And I'm not telling you that you need to go out and do something super important and amazing and fun right now. What I am telling you is to live. To learn to love life as though it could end any moment. Spend time with your loved ones as though today could be the last day you see them. You don't have to do something brilliant every day. Do something that you consider to be brilliant. Whether that brilliant is sitting with your mother and watching TV or baking with your grandma. Learn to appreciate the little things. It took me 19 years to figure that out. 

Image from pinkwallpaper.blogspot.com

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. 

I cannot begin to tell you how very true that is. After 16 years of school I have discovered that EVERYONE will try to mold you into something you are not. It does not matter who it is, teacher, friend, students, jerks you meet on the sidewalk. Everyone will want to change something about you. What you must always remind yourself is that you are perfect. It doesn't matter if you aren't a size 0 or that your boobs aren't quit perky or that you don't have that 6 pack abs that your bros at the gym have. YOU ARE PERFECT. Every inch, meter, foot, of you is perfect. You do not need to change so society accepts you. Simply say FUCK YOU to society and go on your merry little way. 

Image from healthyplace.com

I found this one one day when I was scrolling. It stuck to me like glue. There was something about this little quote that made my mind wander. 

When I was a kid in middle school I struggled with serious depression. The only thing was, I didn't realize it. I didn't see what was happening to me. All I knew was that I wanted out of life. 

When I was in 7th grade I started to cut myself. I would hide sharp things in my pillow. Some days I would escape into the school bathroom to find the sharp blade of release. This is what happened. Am I proud of it? No. But I was 11 and had no idea what was happening. I didn't know who to turn to.

In 8th grade I thought about suicide. A lot, more than I'd like to admit. I thought of it as a way out from the horror of my mind. It was a friday evening after school, my parents were still at work and my sister was still at daycare.  I went out to my woods and stood in front of a tree for nearly an hour or so debating on whether or not I should take the chance. Later that evening I heard my mother calling me for dinner. I dropped the rope and went back to the house. 

Life isn't just about getting through the day. I can't begin to believe how grateful I am that I didn't go through with what I had planned. My greatest accomplishment (even if I didn't know it at the time) was continuing to live when I truly felt as though death was the way out. I can't begin to say how important it is. 

Today I am 19, I graduated with honors from high school, I am sophomore in college, I came out Pansexual to my family,  I have a magnificent boyfriend whom I love more than my own life and we plan on moving in together soon and maybe I might even marry him (who knows?), my life has continued. While many days are a continuous struggle to fight myself and to get out of bed. My world is slowly getting better. I am working on fighting and living every day to the best of my abilities. Some days it takes more than work than others. 

I am happy I didn't use the rope.

xoxo

Courteney