Senior Year

It's been a minute, I'm not gonna lie, life has been crazy. And things have changed.


I never thought my depression would disappear. for years I've struggled with the monster that lies on my chest and plays with my thoughts. As a child I dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts. I used to self harm and even attempted suicide once. It was a dark time for me. Life hadn't seamed to get better by any means by high school. It was the same shit, different day, sort of deal.
I still see the scars on my arms and thighs. Every day they remind me of the past and what I felt. They remind me of the monsters that stared me down in the middle of the night telling me I wasn't worth it and that life in general wasn't worth it.
I've spent years battling these monsters. Some days were better than others, and then some days it'd take a miracle to even get me to leave the house. I still get days like that. Where my body feels like a ton of bricks and even the slightest move of my arm takes all the energy straight out of me.
But then I had days that couldn't be better, lately I've had more of these than the other. These are the days where I feel like me. I feel like I can tackle the world, and in a way I have.


When I was a kid, and I was told life would be better, I never believed it. I never actually believed life would get any better than it actually was. I always saw the posts on Facebook, tumblr, and even in school that I was loved and to keep moving forward, blah blah blah. It was the same everywhere you went. But I never actually thought it was true.


My senior year of high school was probably the worst and best time of my life. My depression was at an all time high. Moving to Saginaw was a new experience, while i had visited the city many times throughout my childhood, I never thought we would have actually moved there.I felt like I had lost a large part of me as a person when we left Leroy. And every day I still miss that shitty little town. 


I changed a lot as a person during my senior year. I had become friends with some wonderful people. They were kind to me, which I appreciated, but I still missed my friends back in Leroy. at the beginning of the year I fell for a girl named Trisha. I had never really thought about liking girls before. But there was something about this woman that made my heart stop. We messed around together for a few months, I feel like she was embarrassed to be around me in public and at school. Her friends didn't like me, she didn't care for my friends, she kept trying to repaint me as a person. Fix my hair, my clothes, the things I thought made me, well me. I listened to her every word, I tried to change the things she wanted, tried to please her. But it was never enough. Eventually she broke up with me. It stung, I wont lie. I felt like I had changed my entire being to love this girl, yet it was never retaliated in the ways that I had hoped.


About 3 months before graduation, I was raped,  I've told very few people. I don't think I've ever mentioned it to my parents. When your privacy and life is destroyed in such a way it changes your mental health. The sense of violation and pain that comes with being attacked is like nothing anyone can describe. I wont torment you with the details of the attack. Do not pity me, for I no longer feel shame or sadness from the event. I don't remember the name or face of my attacker anymore. I once read somewhere that after 7 years all the skin cells on your body have replaced themselves. I like to think that in 3 years any sense of that individual touching my skin will be gone.
Before graduation I had actually written my suicide note probably a dozen times, I even knew how I was going to do it. My plan was that after my graduation party I was going to go for a drive up to Leroy, go to my favorite field by our old house, take a bunch of pills, and close my eyes.
I wasn't planning my suicide just because I was depressed, with everything that had gone on throughout the year, I thought it'd be a way out. My mind couldn't take anymore and the monsters in my head told me to end it.


Something happened that I never expected to happen two weeks before I planned my demise, I met someone. His name is Andrew. We met online, our first date was at a sushi place called Sushi'n we went to the movies and spent three hours sitting in my car just talking. There was something about him that just drew him to me immediately. My demons slowly disappeared, the more time I spent with him the less the monsters came around.
As our relationship began the more I thought of his well being and the less I thought of mine. The monsters had been at bay. rarely making an appearance. Something about Andrew keeps them away. Andrew encouraged me to go to therapy, the doctors, and actually become a healthy individual. Without him I probably wouldn't be here.


As we passed our one year mark, Andrew and I moved in together. We rented a tiny 400 sqft loft apartment. And that's where our life began. After four years together, thinking of life without him is just something I cant do. He is as much a part of me as I am of him. Our four year anniversary came and passed and we are now engaged.


I'm going to be hypocritical and say, it does get better. I never believed it would. I never believed I would actually make it to my 22nd birthday. I have two amazing best friends that I couldn't imagine life without either. my best friend of 20 years who has been by my side through every piece of shit Leroy has thrown at us and them some, and my newest bestie of 4 years. My fiancé, my friends, life couldn't be better. The demons and monsters have nearly disappeared. Life couldn't be better.


Until midnight.
Courteney

Bloody Moscato Cupcakes

Happy (almost) Halloween ya filthy monsters!

Halloween is by far my favorite time of the year, so I thought that I would celebrate by sharing my most favorite recipe with you guys!!!

Moscato Cupcakes, with of course some gore for Halloween!

 The original recipe is adapted from Brook Bakes and are my absolute FAVORITE! I make these cupcakes on a daily basis since my mother is a HUGE wine-o.

For the cupcakes you will need

2 and 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
3/4 tsp. salt
1 and 1/4 cups white sugar
1 cup olive oil
1/3 cup Moscato wine
3/4 cup buttermilk
2 large eggs
1 tsp. white vinegar

 As a wine family we always keep any wine (flat or not) because it can always be used in cupcakes. Todays "secret" ingredient is Beviamo sparkling moscato wine.

 So gather your ingredients and start cooking!

Start by preheating your oven to 350 degrees. And then begin mixing all dry ingredients (flour, baking soda, sugar, and salt)  in one bowl and whisk together until blended. Then add all of the wet ingredients (olive oil, wine, butter milk, eggs, and vinegar) in another and whisk together.


After those ingredients are combined slowly pour the wet ingredients into the dry and mix thoroughly.

 Scoop your batter into your prepared cupcake tins, about 3/4 full. Bake in the oven for about 15-20 minutes, or until a inserted toothpick comes out clean.

Once your heavenly, magical, delicious, wonderful moscato cupcakes are completely cooked let them sit out to cool for a while before frosting them










As your magical cupcakes cool it's time to make the frosting.

What you'll need is....
 8oz of cream cheese (room temperature)
2 cups of powdered sugar
2 Tbsp. of Moscato wine

In a large bowl cream the cream cheese with an electric mixer until smooth and fluffy. Add in the moscato and half of the powdered sugar and blend. Once that is evenly blended add in the final cup of the powdered sugar and blend until fully mixed.

Sooooo yummy right?

Frost the cupcakes and your all set!

And of course it being Halloween I wanted to add a little gore into the mix. I picked up these super awesome severed finger candies at Meijers for $2!! (image thanks to bakingbites.com since I forgot to photograph mine)

Pretty awesome!

I thought these would look a little too "plain" just throwing them up on the cupcakes so I added a special touch...... blood. 

I used a small amount a light corn syrup, red food coloring and a drop of blue food coloring. Mixing all these ingredients in a small bowl and drizzle them over the fingers and frosting on the cupcakes.

AND here is the finished product

Have a fantastic Halloween everyone! Enjoy these little bloody cupcakes ;)


xoxo
Courteney