Senior Year

It's been a minute, I'm not gonna lie, life has been crazy. And things have changed.


I never thought my depression would disappear. for years I've struggled with the monster that lies on my chest and plays with my thoughts. As a child I dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts. I used to self harm and even attempted suicide once. It was a dark time for me. Life hadn't seamed to get better by any means by high school. It was the same shit, different day, sort of deal.
I still see the scars on my arms and thighs. Every day they remind me of the past and what I felt. They remind me of the monsters that stared me down in the middle of the night telling me I wasn't worth it and that life in general wasn't worth it.
I've spent years battling these monsters. Some days were better than others, and then some days it'd take a miracle to even get me to leave the house. I still get days like that. Where my body feels like a ton of bricks and even the slightest move of my arm takes all the energy straight out of me.
But then I had days that couldn't be better, lately I've had more of these than the other. These are the days where I feel like me. I feel like I can tackle the world, and in a way I have.


When I was a kid, and I was told life would be better, I never believed it. I never actually believed life would get any better than it actually was. I always saw the posts on Facebook, tumblr, and even in school that I was loved and to keep moving forward, blah blah blah. It was the same everywhere you went. But I never actually thought it was true.


My senior year of high school was probably the worst and best time of my life. My depression was at an all time high. Moving to Saginaw was a new experience, while i had visited the city many times throughout my childhood, I never thought we would have actually moved there.I felt like I had lost a large part of me as a person when we left Leroy. And every day I still miss that shitty little town. 


I changed a lot as a person during my senior year. I had become friends with some wonderful people. They were kind to me, which I appreciated, but I still missed my friends back in Leroy. at the beginning of the year I fell for a girl named Trisha. I had never really thought about liking girls before. But there was something about this woman that made my heart stop. We messed around together for a few months, I feel like she was embarrassed to be around me in public and at school. Her friends didn't like me, she didn't care for my friends, she kept trying to repaint me as a person. Fix my hair, my clothes, the things I thought made me, well me. I listened to her every word, I tried to change the things she wanted, tried to please her. But it was never enough. Eventually she broke up with me. It stung, I wont lie. I felt like I had changed my entire being to love this girl, yet it was never retaliated in the ways that I had hoped.


About 3 months before graduation, I was raped,  I've told very few people. I don't think I've ever mentioned it to my parents. When your privacy and life is destroyed in such a way it changes your mental health. The sense of violation and pain that comes with being attacked is like nothing anyone can describe. I wont torment you with the details of the attack. Do not pity me, for I no longer feel shame or sadness from the event. I don't remember the name or face of my attacker anymore. I once read somewhere that after 7 years all the skin cells on your body have replaced themselves. I like to think that in 3 years any sense of that individual touching my skin will be gone.
Before graduation I had actually written my suicide note probably a dozen times, I even knew how I was going to do it. My plan was that after my graduation party I was going to go for a drive up to Leroy, go to my favorite field by our old house, take a bunch of pills, and close my eyes.
I wasn't planning my suicide just because I was depressed, with everything that had gone on throughout the year, I thought it'd be a way out. My mind couldn't take anymore and the monsters in my head told me to end it.


Something happened that I never expected to happen two weeks before I planned my demise, I met someone. His name is Andrew. We met online, our first date was at a sushi place called Sushi'n we went to the movies and spent three hours sitting in my car just talking. There was something about him that just drew him to me immediately. My demons slowly disappeared, the more time I spent with him the less the monsters came around.
As our relationship began the more I thought of his well being and the less I thought of mine. The monsters had been at bay. rarely making an appearance. Something about Andrew keeps them away. Andrew encouraged me to go to therapy, the doctors, and actually become a healthy individual. Without him I probably wouldn't be here.


As we passed our one year mark, Andrew and I moved in together. We rented a tiny 400 sqft loft apartment. And that's where our life began. After four years together, thinking of life without him is just something I cant do. He is as much a part of me as I am of him. Our four year anniversary came and passed and we are now engaged.


I'm going to be hypocritical and say, it does get better. I never believed it would. I never believed I would actually make it to my 22nd birthday. I have two amazing best friends that I couldn't imagine life without either. my best friend of 20 years who has been by my side through every piece of shit Leroy has thrown at us and them some, and my newest bestie of 4 years. My fiancé, my friends, life couldn't be better. The demons and monsters have nearly disappeared. Life couldn't be better.


Until midnight.
Courteney

A Touchy Subject

My entire life I've always been fat.
I had always been 'chubby' in my youth. What can I say? I like(d) food. Sweets in particular.
I've never been thin. I've never been able to run a mile without panting like a dog in the hot sun and passing out. I've never been able to shop in the clearance section and find my size. As a plus size gal these are things I've learned to live with.
As I grew older, I also grew aware that I wasn't 'conventionally' pretty. I didn't have a great complexion (hello pizza face). I've always had a gut and thunder thighs. And I'm more awkward than anything.
I've always surrounded myself with beautiful people. A lot of my friends were (are) gorgeous. Thin, perky, friendly, in my eyes perfect.
Growing up I can't begin to explain how hard this was on my self esteem. I haven't been under 200lbs since 7th grade. I've always been obese. I was weird, emo, never popular.

This year I've decided to make a change. I'm done being my weight. I want to better myself.
Ever since I've contemplated getting married, I look in the mirror and think, "Is this the body I want to look at coming down the isle?" While my self esteem at the age of 20 is high, and I do in fact love my body. It's just not healthy to be my size.

My doctors have all told me the same thing. Lose weight. It's to the point where it's affecting my health. So it's time to make changes.

I've joined a gym, I've been going 3-4 timed a week and working my ass off. In just three weeks I've been able to lose 8lbs and just the other day I hired a trainer for six weeks to keep my ass in check.
She told me I should be able to lose at least 10lbs a month. With my age a factor and the fact that I've never really exercised the first 30lbs should melt right off. I'm hoping this is true.

My goal is to be 175. This was my weight in 7th grade. I haven't been in the hundreds in 8 or 9 years.

Here's to a better me
This is just the beginning.

Start 212lb
Goal 175lb

Till Midnight,
Courteney

Building a Life

Things are different.
But different isn't always bad. Stuff happens so quickly in life and often you forget to stop and appreciate life.
Last year I moved in with this amazing person. He's all I could have ever asked for in a man. He's simply amazing. He's kind and loving. Passionate and driven. I absolutely adore his family and they (i think) adore me as well. It's the type of relationships your read about in books or watch in movies. Who would've known that meeting a strange man on the internet could have turned out so wonderful.
These past few weeks him and I have been talking about purchasing a house.
We moved in together May of 2016 we rented this small 400sqft Loft style apartment just on the outside of the city, close to my college and smack dab in between both of our jobs. Our tiny apartment ended up getting tinier when we moved our rescue dog, Crash Bandicoot, in.
With our quarters growing smaller we begged our property manager to move us.
We moved into a 900sqfr two bedroom apartment. We were content for a while. But we've decided that this home too we are outgrowing. We're over the rickety porches and the crappy insulation that sky rockets our consumers bill through the roof. Thankfully we were capable to make an addendum to our lease and we'll be leaving on Halloween.
Recently our relationship has been growing more serious. As Andrew and I reach our three year mark we have been talking a lot about our future together and where we see ourselves in life.
We've decided to look into purchasing a home. It's an exciting thought. Being able to purchase our first home while only being in our early 20s, after all not many people our age are capable of doing that.

Here's to hoping that we'll find something worth our wild and that things will be turning out for us in the long run!

Until Midnight,
Courteney

New Shop!

Happy New Year everyone! Just like everyone I'm hoping that 2016 will be a great year!

I have a favor to ask!

If you like shopping, jewelry, or paintings please take a look at my brand new etsy shop! We do custom paintings, jewelry, and sell antiques too. Kind of a eclectic mumble jumble of things I love.

My boyfriend and I are hoping to move in together in the spring/summer and I'm hoping this etsy page will do something good :) So please check it out, follow, like, share my shop please!

You can find my shop in many place
Twitter - twitter.com/CourteneysArt
Instagram - www.instagram.com/d3bating_0n_d3structi0n/
Etsy - etsy.com/shop/courteneysartistry
Facebook - facebook.com/courteneysartistry


Have a wonderful and magnificent new year everyone!

xoxo
Courteney

Happy Adoptaversary!!

Today is a very special day. 

Today marks the exact day we adopted our handsome boy Sherlock!!!

Look at him in all of his sassy cuteness. Our handsome Sherlock is a Holland Lop and super cute! We adopted him on November 13th exactly one year ago today from a wonderful rescue called Amazing Grace Animal Rescue. We are so grateful for them because without them we would not have found this handsome little guy.

When we first saw Sherlock we weren't quite sure if we were ready to get a new bunny. My sister had just lost her rabbit of 6 years (Buttons) about 2 months prior. We were also living with my grandmother at the time and we weren't sure if we had room to house him.

The day I brought my sister into the rescue she fell in love with this little ass (yes I mean what I said! Sherlock is a butt!) So she spent the next week Begging my grandmother to let us get him. And not soon after Sherlock was ours!

So today we celebrate the day this four-legged family member joined us.

When we first adopted our Sherlock he had a HORRIBLE biting problem. Assumably he was found on the campus of a local university just hopping around, (we believe he was a students pet who then dumped him off at the rescue). Today he only bites once in a while (WHICH IS GREAT!!)


Sherlock has also figured out how to open his cage door. He OPENS the door but NEVER comes out of it. Yes, he is a strange one!


So In honor of our little guys "Adoptaversary" I made him a little fruit and vegi "cake" and lit him a candle (only for the photo).

Happy Adoptaversary Sherlock! We love you!

xoxo

Courteney

Fall

Well the fall season is ending,

and the cold wings of Jack Frost are blowing closer. Soon winter will be upon us. 

Wanted to share a few pictures I took of my mum and her boyfriend while we were up north enjoying the wonderful weather last month. We also took some pictures of my wonderful friend Vincent. His senior pictures are turning out awesome!!

I downloaded some AWESOME leaf overlays from Deviantart and BAM! These turned out awesome!

Feel free to check out more of my work at...

courteneysartistry.weebly.com 

or on Facebook at

facebook.com/courteneysartistry

xoxo

Courteney

Bloody Moscato Cupcakes

Happy (almost) Halloween ya filthy monsters!

Halloween is by far my favorite time of the year, so I thought that I would celebrate by sharing my most favorite recipe with you guys!!!

Moscato Cupcakes, with of course some gore for Halloween!

 The original recipe is adapted from Brook Bakes and are my absolute FAVORITE! I make these cupcakes on a daily basis since my mother is a HUGE wine-o.

For the cupcakes you will need

2 and 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
3/4 tsp. salt
1 and 1/4 cups white sugar
1 cup olive oil
1/3 cup Moscato wine
3/4 cup buttermilk
2 large eggs
1 tsp. white vinegar

 As a wine family we always keep any wine (flat or not) because it can always be used in cupcakes. Todays "secret" ingredient is Beviamo sparkling moscato wine.

 So gather your ingredients and start cooking!

Start by preheating your oven to 350 degrees. And then begin mixing all dry ingredients (flour, baking soda, sugar, and salt)  in one bowl and whisk together until blended. Then add all of the wet ingredients (olive oil, wine, butter milk, eggs, and vinegar) in another and whisk together.


After those ingredients are combined slowly pour the wet ingredients into the dry and mix thoroughly.

 Scoop your batter into your prepared cupcake tins, about 3/4 full. Bake in the oven for about 15-20 minutes, or until a inserted toothpick comes out clean.

Once your heavenly, magical, delicious, wonderful moscato cupcakes are completely cooked let them sit out to cool for a while before frosting them










As your magical cupcakes cool it's time to make the frosting.

What you'll need is....
 8oz of cream cheese (room temperature)
2 cups of powdered sugar
2 Tbsp. of Moscato wine

In a large bowl cream the cream cheese with an electric mixer until smooth and fluffy. Add in the moscato and half of the powdered sugar and blend. Once that is evenly blended add in the final cup of the powdered sugar and blend until fully mixed.

Sooooo yummy right?

Frost the cupcakes and your all set!

And of course it being Halloween I wanted to add a little gore into the mix. I picked up these super awesome severed finger candies at Meijers for $2!! (image thanks to bakingbites.com since I forgot to photograph mine)

Pretty awesome!

I thought these would look a little too "plain" just throwing them up on the cupcakes so I added a special touch...... blood. 

I used a small amount a light corn syrup, red food coloring and a drop of blue food coloring. Mixing all these ingredients in a small bowl and drizzle them over the fingers and frosting on the cupcakes.

AND here is the finished product

Have a fantastic Halloween everyone! Enjoy these little bloody cupcakes ;)


xoxo
Courteney